Photo by Mesha Mittanasala on Unsplash
Welcome to your second favorite Bachelor recap (assuming your first is the message thread with your BFF.) There’s lots to get into since the Bachelor gods have blessed us with a THREE-hour episode last night. And seeing as Kendra was barely paying attention to the episode (she just moved and is unpacking so v understandable), this week, she has handed the Bachelor recap reigns to your favorite corporate queen (who hasn’t exactly released to the public that she secretly watches this show.) What can I say, Monday’s suck and The Bachelor makes it better.
Last night was a Bachelor soiree, party of 1 since my girlfriends canceled on me last minute. But it’s fine because I had 2 boxes of pizza, a glass of wine and 3 hours of TV gold to drown my sorrows. Let’s dig in.
Scene #1
The opening scene picks up where we left off with Alayah (the girl Peter recently sent home and then allowed back on) getting cornered by a bunch of women who have been couped up and disconnected from the outside world.
They’re pissed and saying she only came back to stir up drama and be on the show. She’s quiet and looks very much like a sick puppy getting verbally abused. Meanwhile, I’m just hungry, ready to grub on my second slice of pizza, watching the screen like “this is a lot”.
Good thing Peter comes to the rescue, sweeping her from these *extremely* viscous girls in their super long lashes and pouty lips. Peter then begins to tell Alayah how it doesn’t matter to him what anyone says, but he’s sending her home, because of what people were saying. Alayah is either sitting there plotting the evil demise of the production intern who called her and begged her to come back or thanking that same intern for giving her a storyline worth screentime on After the Final Rose. Anyways, she then walks out with Peter to her limo-ride home. Hasta Lavista, baby.
Rose Ceremony #1
Peter then launches into a rendezvous of 1 on 1 time with each woman. He tells each girl how sorry he is and takes hear them out. Once again, Mykenna is totally freaking out at the thought of a rose ceremony. It’s almost like clockwork. And I’m like, girl, CHILLLLL, you don’t need to sweat over these small rose ceremonies. You’re literally going to be in the finale.
But here’s the big shocker – DEANDRA the 1 out of the only 4 black girls that somehow made it this far, doesn’t get a rose! Which wouldn’t be that big of a deal if she and Peter hadn’t shared such a cute moment just seconds before! Definitely thought with their screentime her position would be secured. But apparently not. Like I know we have to be skimpy on the black girls Peter, but come on. I think DeAndra said it best, “I am so confused”.
Us too, girl, us too.
Costa Rrrrriiiicccaaaa!
But just like life, the show must go on. And that it does when Peter surprises the girls with an international trip to Costa Rica! Let’s just say everyone was a lot more excited about this trip than the Cleveland vacay last week. They gear up and spend the first day running around the house and dancing in the shower, clearly still on a high from being apart of the chosen 12.
Peter comes to greet the girls at the Costa Rica house and they are very concerned about this huge bandage now on Peter’s head. We then watch as Peter spins a heroic tail in which he slays a panther. I’m currently throwing up in my mouth at how much these girls are literally swooning. Peter can’t even get a word out without the girls crying in exclamation or laughing on cue. I’m trying to understand if this is The Bachelor or the audience of a 90s sitcom. Same outcome.
Peter finally reveals that he hurt his head by running into a golf cart which is very anti-climatic and dorky. Honestly, the entire scene was a whole mess.
1 on 1 Date
Sydney gets chosen for the first date and the girls are not too thrilled. As in everyone basically sinks into a depression when she leaves. I think it’s finally settling in that they are actually competing for the same guy. Who would’ve thought?
The actual date is simple and really seems like one big rom-com montage. When they’re not kissing, Peter is telling her how she’s ~mysterious~ and how she’s the best kisser! Oh and then we find out Sydney is black?! *perks up* ok, now I’m getting interested. She shares about how she loves to emerge herself in culture, and how her mom is white and her dad is black and Dominican.
Meanwhile, Kelsey is back at the house having a mental breakdown because she’s afraid of being forgotten. She’s claiming she is falling in love with Peter which means that her spidey-senses are tingling and telling her that Peter is playing tonsil hockey with another girl. Or one of the producers told her. Same outcome.
Back at the 1 on 1, it’s Sydney’s turn to tell her sob story, and Peter is, of course, completely enamored. She talks about how she was bullied in middle or high school. Tbh, this isn’t even competing against some of the other girl’s sob story but Peter seems genuinely moved. Or maybe he’s just thinking about her “soft lips” that he hasn’t stopped kissing since the start of the date. Anyway, the night ends with an almost R rated version of them making out in their bathing suits. And then cuts to a very different scene of Kelsey completely plastered crying about how her boyfriend is dating other girls. So THAT’S what he’s doing?! I thought he was just playing checkers for the past 5 episodes.
Tammy comes to tell her to get it together, letting her know that yeah it sucks but uh… it’s kind of what they signed up for! And Kelsey proceeds to continue crying about how that doesn’t make it any less sucky.
Meanwhile, I pull up the channel guide on my TV to double-check that I am still indeed watching the Bachelor. You know, the same show where girls literally sign up to compete for one guy… against other girls? I’m confused. Why are we suddenly questioning the show’s premise??
Anyway, Tammy gets rightfully fed up by her tantrum and goes to sit with the other girls who are equally concerned (and by equally, I mean not at all). Tammy is going IN, ruthlessly making a very fair point about how Kelsey has been crying for weeks (pointing out that one time she cried for 4 days over champagne).
Tammy: I don’t think when my grandpa died I cried that much.
Me: *chokes on wine*
She talks about how Kelsey is clearly emotionally unstable and that if Peter knew she’d be gone. Stay out of it, Tammy!
Group Date
It’s group date time! But, more importantly, it’s time for me to down my 4th slice of pizza. Because ya know — priorities.
On the group date, Kelley gets chosen to spend more time with Peter. Yay, I love Kelley! Of course, everyone else is rightfully pissed but handling it with grace. Except for Kelsey, who is crying again. Not surprised.
The group date ends up being a Cosmopolitan Magazine shoot which is v cool. And the girls are not only competing for Peter’s attention but the opportunity to be on the front cover! Well, that upped that anty causing Victoria to steal a kiss from Peter right in front of alll the other girls, ultimately winning the front cover! All isn’t fair in love and war.
Meanwhile, back on the ranch, Tammy digs her own grave! Haven’t these girls learned that nothing but drama comes from focusing on other girls during your alone time with Peter! I guess Tammy didn’t get the memo that snitches get stitches and TELLS him that Kelsey is emotionally unstable! He is extremely shook since him and Kelsey just had the best conversation ever so how could she EVER be unstable? And honestly, I truly don’t understand why Tammy even said anything in the first place. Like yeah, Kelsey’s behavior is annoying, but was it worth wasting your quality time with Peter gripping about another woman?
Or if she was very set on telling him, she should’ve framed it a little better. Like how it’s hard for her to focus on their relationship when she’s taking care of other people. Instead, she literally walked in and was like “hi, Kelsey keeps having emotional breakdowns.” And then waited while Peter looked at her like:
It was so pointless! And now Tammy’s time in the Bachelor house feels like it’s dwindling down.
Peter asks to talk to Kelsey who *immediately* gets it together and tells him that although she’s VERY emotional, shes fine. And that’s just her way of processing what’s going on because she cares so much. Peter looks concerned but also decides to believe her and just leave it alone. Now, Kelsey heads back to the girls for blood I mean to figure out who told Peter she’s emotionally unstable. Nobody fesses up but they start to voice how they feel, saying the way she’s handling herself is very ridiculous seeing as how everyone else clearly feels the same but is acting like a normal human being. She claims they’re all lifeless vampires that don’t have emotions, causing Victoria F to go off about how she’s tired of all the drama. Sorry, Queen V, we’ll make sure to spare you of the drama for the rest of the episode.
Sadly, the request doesn’t last when Kelsey and Tammy decide to “talk it out” the next morning. The “talking it out” turns to Kelsey being emotional again and Tammy being like “you have an alcohol problem” which again in my opinion – isn’t really Tammy’s concern. But also, I get it. The scene ends with Kelsey almost crying and Tammy being like “I’m done with this.”
Peter and Kelley’s 1:1 Date
Peter and Kelley’s date starts at a fortune teller place and I am cringing. MAJOR no for me. I would hate to be on a date like that. How am I suppose to fake laugh and pretend like I’m in love with you for the sake of fame and money, if someone with creepy looking candles is “reading” our future? Count me out.
Unfortunately for Kelley, she’s contractually obligated to complete the date so she stays. The entire date, Peter is repeatedly voicing his concerns about Kelley and how he feels like he’s giving his all and she’s not. “I can’t keep making excuses for her” he says, completely forgetting how he made excuses for Alayah and brought her back on the show just to kick her off.
Meanwhile, Kelley tries to act normal in front of the camera so Peter doesn’t think she doesn’t care to be there. It doesn’t work and she still looks a little awkward. She’s probably secretly hoping none of her clients catch a glimpse of her bringing shame to her practice I mean, desperately seeking attention from a man on national television. Wait, that wasn’t much better.
OH CRAP, the tables have turned as Kelley, who seems to be the ONLY sensible and mature one on the show, voices how she feels like Peter isn’t ready for marriage. Bold. Move. Even the producers are shaking. I’m not gonna lie, I have a lot of respect for this woman. And yes, I say woman. Because thus far, she’s the only person who is acting her age.
Homegirl then states she’s looking for someone to be a POWER couple with and for a man that CHALLENGES her. You hear that Peter? No more rewarding child-like behavior with roses pls and thanks. We are all adults here!! Peter is also amazed and gives her a rose to seal her spot at least for another episode.
Kelsey’s Boss Move
Zooming back to the house, where Tammy is now venting to Victoria F and Lexi about Kelsey look like they’re over the drama. And now I’m personally getting the vibe that this Tammy/Kelsey sitch is turning less from a frustrated concerned friend to a little bit of… jealousy?
Either way, at this point Kelsey has devised a secret plan, which consists of her putting on her makeup and rushing to Peter’s house. Most likely taking a cue from the production’s intern trying to win some points with her boss. Peter is so thrilled to see her and it makes me wonder why nobody else has thought of this plan?? Like seriously, it seemed so easy for her to just get up and leave. Why aren’t girls lining up at Peter’s door?
Anyway, Kelsey finishes sharing her feelings that she has for Peter and comes for throats shares her concerns about Tammy telling the other girls she’s an alcoholic and druggie. Of course, poor Peter gets very concerned that anybody in the house could ever see Kelsey lesser than and wants to put an end to it.
And in a shocking turn of events, Peter loves her vulnerability so much that he gives her a rose on the spot! She tells the cameras that she’s scared what the other girls will think but me thinks she doesn’t care one bit. Very sneaky, Ms. Kelsey.
BUT WAIT. I truly believe Kelsey underestimated how difficult it was going to be to tell the other girls. As she’s talking, her voice is trailing off and everyone is looking at her like wolves about to prance on a baby deer.
Kelsey: ya… sorry I ditched and got a rose… NBD right?
Everyone:
Cocktail Party + Rose Ceremony
Ok, there’s no way we thought we were going to get three hours tonight without more drama. It’s the cocktail party right before the rose ceremony and you can tell that Mykenna is on the verge of having her routine meltdown. And she’s trying to give an uplifting pep talk that says “let’s make the most of tonight” but also “I need time WITH PETER”. So, when Chris Harrison comes out pre-cocktail party to tell the girls there WON’T be a cocktail party, my heart flutters in excitement. What can I say? I live for the drama.
Apparently Peter has ~clarity~ over who he wants to drop and doesn’t want to delay any further. Which kind of scares me bc it’s not like he’s had a history of great choices (i.e. Alayah). Either way, arrows are all pointing at your girl Tammy. (Told you snitches get stitches, Tam Tam.) She’s feeling the heat too because she immediately turns to Kelsey and asks what exactly was said in their conversation. Kelsey claims she just *briefly* mentioned how Tammy thinks she’s an alcoholic, while the camera ironically zooms on Mykenna throwing back her glass of wine. We love to see it.
Mykenna then proceeds to freak out on Kelsey for ruining the cocktail party because apparently she had some very important news to tell Peter that is VERY important. The tables turn and the girls start questioning Tammy, asking her why she needed to bring other people’s drama in her alone time with Peter, starting this entire mess. She and Sydney get into it after Tammy tells Sydney that she brought up Alayah during her convo with Peter and sh*t hits the fan! They are both standing up, yelling and Tammy tells Sydney that she and her “posse” (which I’m assuming is Lexi and Natasha) think they’re so cool. In which case, Sydney starts laughing and calls her crazy. The girls are separated and Mykenna is crying again.
This is the BEST after-work entertainment a girl can dream of.
The rose ceremony happens and there are 6 roses on the table. Right before Peter hands out the first rose, Tammy asks to speak to him! BOLD as hell, but I am living for her cutthroat energy. She quickly tells him that anything he heard she said wasn’t meant to be malicious.
She’s barely finished speaking when Mykenna who is literally having a m e l t d o w n, interrupts and asks if SHE can speak to Peter. Oh now, this is turning into quite the scene. Peter agrees (!) and Tammy walks away knowing she didn’t get to say everything she wanted. Mykenna shares with Peter how she feels like the drama is coming in between them and him getting to know her.
Meanwhile, Lexi is getting super irritated bc she hasn’t had a moment with Peter either but these girls just stole last-minute talks. When Mykenna gets back in line, she and Lexi exchange a back-and-forth tit tat that reminds me of a scene from a high school Disney channel movie.
Peter gives the first rose and none other than Victoria F gets it! The last remaining two go to Mykenna… and get this TAMMY! I am completely shocked. I honestly didn’t think homegirl was going to make it but here she is, standing strong.
Which means that Lexi (who was rightfully upset) and Shiann are packing their bags and going home. Before she leaves, Shiann warns Peter that there are some girls in the house that aren’t what they seem. Very Madam Zaroni vibes.
Me and my empty pizza boxes are officially concluding the end of the fifth episode of the Bachelor. Apparently there’s ANOTHER episode on Wednesday that I’m way too excited for. Either way, this has been grand.
Tonight’s Top Player: Kelley definitely takes the cake with this one. Not only was she bold as hell to call Peter out on his questionable choices, but she did it with so much grace and class that it was super admirable. She’s not with the drama, knows her worth, and knows exactly what she’s looking for.
Tonight’s Heaviest Cryer: Kelsey with Mykenna in the running.
I hope you enjoyed and if you liked it enough, I may be back.
Comment down below your favorite “omgbachelor” moment!