Photo by Adrià Jiménez on Unsplash
We’ve all been affected by beauty standards in one way or another. It‘s hard not to because those standards are perpetuated throughout the media. Movies, TV, magazines, you name it. We start inhaling these unrealistic standards from a young age. I’m no different. In fact, I believe my exposure may have been heightened due to the fact that I was a model before I would even talk.And one thing I haven’t realized until recently is that my short stint in the modeling world has truly affected the way I see the beauty in myself as well as others. We are all exposed to beauty standards growing up but I was in the middle of it. I was in those casting rooms. I was attending modeling classes with girls who exhibited those qualities constantly shown in the media.
My mother got me into modeling when I was a baby and I don’t really remember all of my gigs. My memory starts to unfuzz around elementary school. Weekends at Barbizon Modeling School, getting pulled from class for an audition downtown, getting my hair done, sitting in a casting room while my mom waited outside, walking into Sally’s and seeing my face on a perm box, jealous friends, being the only chocolate girl in the room.
Even though I don’t remember much pre-elementary, I always heard stories and felt a sense of pride that I was THAT BABY/KID. You know, I got self-worth from hearing those stories. I remember being like 10 or 11 and my mom telling people I was a model. I remember people’s reactions. They would say “she’s so beautiful” and it gave me a sense of pride. Even though I was just a child, I felt like, “wow I’m good enough to hang with the prettiest girls because I’m a model.” You see, I didn’t feel beautiful all the time and there were times when all I wanted was the opposite of what God gave me. I dreamed of straight hair, big boobs, smaller hips, and lighter skin.
But here’s what I’ve learned. Beauty is subjective. I’m not going to be everybody’s type physically. And that’s okay. My goal is to develop a new standard of beauty that deals with my inner workings. Because I’m more than my body. I am a human being full of stories, thoughts, ideas, fears, prayers, insecurities, vulnerabilities and so much more. I want to be so secure in who I am that it radiates through my presence and that’s what people see when I walk into a room. A beautiful soul. That’s my goal. How that happens, well, it’s a work in progress and I’ll keep y’all updated lol.
I’ve also learned that physical beauty is fleeting. Imagine I had a genie and he (… or she. I’m not sexist) granted me a wish to change everything I’ve ever mentioned was wrong with my body. I would probably be happy for 2.5 seconds and then find something else on my body to complain about. Because it’s never enough. I’ve seen this with stars that receive SO much plastic surgery that they’re no longer recognizable. It always starts with a harmless nose job and then spirals out of control. Yeah, I’m not trying to be that person. No judgment if you do. I’d just much rather do the work on myself and learn to love me in my natural form.
It’s so crazy that I’m just now evaluating the pieces of my life and realizing how things have affected me. So I began by searching for validation in old stories about my modeling days as a baby and now I literally seek validation from EVERYONE. But that’s another post for another time. Do you know how problematic seeking validation from others can be? It’s bad. Because what happens when people don’t agree with me? My self-worth literally plummets and I ultimately can end up in a slightly depressed/sad state.
So in an effort to better my relationship with beauty, I have been looking to God’s word for guidance. Psalm 139:13-15 says:
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.”
This verse brings tears to my eyes. Who am I to critique His creation? He literally says that I am intricately woven. We all are. So why am I sitting here worried about what everyone else thinks about me? I am learning to untrain 25 years of memories, 25 years of thinking that I’m not good enough. 25 years of thinking that one part of my life made me more important.
It’s not that I can’t be proud of my accomplishments but I can’t let those things be what gives me worth. There is so much more to me than my physical appearance.
