Imagine an elderly couple celebrating their 50th-anniversary at LaQuinta Resort. They just returned to their room from dinner and have just stepped out on their porch to enjoy a nightcap when they see five naked men walking by their room. Quite the view to end the night. 

The thing is after seeing last night’s episode this scenario is actually a possibility. And I’m not saying Clare was a dick for making these guys walk home naked after losing a game of strip dodgeall but I think Blake, as annoying as he might be for interuppting the red team’s time, was justified in being upset. I’m with Blake. So, you’re telling me  I not only lost but I have to humiliate myself. If this was The Bachelor and a guy made girls walk home naked this would have been descipable. Just trying to keep it real. The double standard has been making my stomach turn.

Aside from that, I think we can all clearly see ABC is setting us up for the Dale drama because I didn’t count but the amount of times I heard Clare mention this man’s name…it’s got to be some sort of record. 

Also I’m gonna pretend to give a crap about the rest of this episode like Clare pretended that she didn’t want to give that group date rose to Dale. Bryan was smooth but we all know Clare is smitten with Dale as seen by the lip-biting during their one on one time on the group date. I think Clare turned into a completely different person when she was talking to Dale. Like, it felt like a private moment I was looking in on. Her voice more high-pitched, her eyes looking more intently at the man in front of her. Clare is more than into Dale. But who can blame her?

Let’s not even mention that physical touch portion of the date. They actually looked like they were about to make love right then and there in front of everybody. Then when she pulled him aside to “finish what they started” earlier on the group date you could just tell it was game over. Nobody is making out like that episode 2. 

Did anyone else fast forward through the first half of the 1-on-1 with Jason? Sorry, Jase. Can I call you Jase? It’s nothing personal but I was really trying to skip as much nonsense to get to the group date where the guys stripped down to their knickers to play dodgeball. 

But this is basically how it went down.

Clare: I don’t like guys that shut down, are players, are hard to love, don’t want to open up and push me away. 

Jason: Yeah that’s how I am…but I don’t want to be.

Clare: Let’s burn the dress Juan Pablo broke up with me in.

I know they talked about “heavy stuff” but honestly that relationship wasn’t going anywhere so pretty pointless for him to work on opening up with Clare when she’s about to hitch a plane with Dale back to the U.S. I know these guys don’t know Clare is about to flip the show upside down but knowing these details makes these first few episodes hard to watch.

Ohhhh and can we talk about when the tall, dark and handsome guy, Brandon put his entire foot in his mouth when Clare asked why he came on the show?

Brandon responded with something along the lines of, “I just knew I had to be on here for you cause you’re so beautiful.” Clare clearly did not take well to this answer and probed further like, “oh well, like, why did you want to come on, like what was it about me?” To which he says something like, “I really actually don’t know that much about you other than you’re beautiful.” Clare’s like “is there anything else?”

Homeboy could have literally say anything at this point. We know Clare is strong and independent for the way she stood up to Juan Pablo. Super easy card to play but instead he did what pretty boys do and sat there babbling hoping his looks would get him through. In fact when Clare brought up other things the guys have said, like how they like her drive, what she has to offer, that she stood up for herself, etc., he had the nerve to respond with, “but they didn’t know that before coming on the show.”

Huh? Dude the media has been replaying her infamous break up with Juan Pablo ever sense she was announced as Bachelorette. You gotta do better than that man. And you had all that time in quarantine to research this woman, like you don’t have one thing you like about her. And after that, Clare rightfully sent him packing.

What else, what else? I guess that’s really it. A synopsis, this episode was full of cringe worthy moments. Ya’ll remember when literally nobody wanted to grab Clare to talk? That was awkward. It was all weird. Kind of like this post. I’m honestly out of things to say and really really just ready for next week when the Dale stuff picks up.

Okay, byeeeeeee.