Photo by Kinga Howard on Unsplash

The 2-hour Bachelorette premiere, half a pizza, two glasses of Pinot greesh and a 4-hour nap have all lead to this, a bachelorette recap written at 4 am with my husband, passed out, his arm wrapped around my waist and me awkwardly typing one-handed on my phone. My left arm is falling asleep but it’s fine.  We take our bursts of creativity as they come and don’t complain.

If you were looking for a dramatic opening to Clare’s season of the Bachelorette, last night’s episode was a huge disappointment. Granted, The preview for the season is promising but the actual content we got last night was slower than Chris Harrison aging (he still looks great, right?!). Chris Harrison and Julie Chen.Not sure how they age in reverse but as they enter my living room season after season, I’m astounded at their faces. But I digress.

The Men

Much like Clare, I would never waste y’all’s time. So, let’s jump into the guys.

I truly did not care for the men and maybe that’s because I know there’s literally one guy she blows up her entire season for so I’m wasting my time wondering if Bennet, the freaking wealth manager with the sweater tied around his neck all night, and Clare would be cute together.

We all know Dale (@dalemoss13), the man Clare allegedly leaves the show for. Dale is a beautifully crafted specimen. Those are my husband’s words, not mine.

Other than Dale, I’m remembering a lot of black men including a very, very tall handsome man whose name and face escape me. I could only look at his legs. They are so long.

There’s Eazy (@eazyknowsbest),  who looks like Sonic the Hedgehog. I judged his name at first cause guys with weird nicknames seem immature. But then I looked into him and learned his name is Uzoma and Eazy is his nickname and idk it kind of grew on me. What isn’t growing is his hairline.

 

There’s Jordan C. (@ayo_chapo10), who looks like the skinny version of Shemar Moore. Also, there’s Ivan (@ivanbhall), with the immaculate hairline from Dallas (shoutout my hometown). Garin (@garinflowers) is a freaking journalism professor (shoutout my major). There were others but they didn’t stick out. Sorry, not sorry.

Of course, you have the Yosef-proclaimed Matthew McConaughey lookalike (that was a good one), Tyler C., who “calls out” Yosef for dming a girl before the show. Oh no. So shocking that a man dm’ed a girl before the show. Give me a break. And where did that big declaration land you new Tyler C? Back in whatever small town you crawled out of in West Virginia because Clare doesn’t have time for your games. Honestly, he did the OG Tyler C. a disservice.

And like give me another break, seriously. It’s freaking quarantine. Were these men suppose to sit around and twiddle their thumbs while the season was in limbo. Dude was shooting his shot. I respect it and the taddle tale just looked annoying like he was trying to get more airtime. So gross, but also understandable because how else do you stand out on the first night without starting drama? Especially when your suitress admits that she literally “just met [her] husband” towards someone that’s not you. I feel like at that point it’s time to milk this TV time for all the IG followers you can get.

Can’t forget Blake M., the first guy Clare kissed. He was apparently the only guy who “broke the rules” and reached out during quarantine. I call BS since rumors have been swirling she talked to Dale during quarantine because how else would she have known that she just ‘met her husband without any prior communication at all. A very bold statement no one else in bachelor franchise history has ever said after a limo appearance but ok Clare. Let’s go with your story.

And Brandon (@branndongoss). He’s cute and racially ambiguous. A tall dark and handsome type of vibe.

Oh — and of course the one guy, Jay (@smithjay_), with the straightjacket on the entire night reflected my thoughts of the evening. LOCK ME UP. I could go insane. All that time waiting for this dramatic season and it was the slowest paced, most boring night and morning (did you notice the Rose Ceremony ended when the sun was up?) of all time. Nothing like Pilot Pete’s season where the drama started immediately.

I noticed two Asian men which seems like one more than than the standard. Joe (@josephparkmd), the freaking doctor (um, yes please), and Chris (@chrisconran) who’s a landscaper and as a new homeowner I have to say that is a useful trade. More Asian men is a good thing. It means more representation. Now for an Asian lead? Yeah, you’re right. Baby steps. Black people have literally just now made it. We forced it out of them but still, we’re thriving with a number of contestants so high Snoop Dogg would be proud.

*Geez my arm is actually asleep now. It’s time to wrap this up.

Honestly, not sure what else to say except I feel like based on the preview the next episode might be a snooze as well. There seems to be some sort of group date action and I honestly don’t care about any of that. And since I haven’t read spoilers, I’m estimating that the good stuff is coming week 3 or 4.

Basically, I’m waiting for Clare to run off into the sunset with Dale and Tayshia to come in because I think I, along with the rest of the world are ready for some Black Girl Magic.